Here goes nothing.

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As it hit midnight on January 27th, I was cuddled up in bed on the phone with my boyfriend having one of our typical all night conversations. It was the only way we got through the days when I wasn’t in Saint Louis with him. He had a piece of shit phone so when 3am rolled around and silence took over on his end during the middle of our conversation, I figured his phone had cut out. I told him I loved him and hung up. The next morning he was found dead in his room from a heroin overdose. Two weeks later, one of our good friends reached out to me in desperation, wanting to understand what it’s like to be addicted to a drug, a slave to a substance. Without hesitation, I opened my notebook to a beautifully blank page and a half hour later, had a couple pages attempting to explain what being a heroin addict was to me. I posted it on my facebook for her to read and considering everyone on my page had already seen me go through some very dark times, my addiction was no secret. The next day I woke up to see my article going completely viral. Over a million views, thousands of emails and a handful of interviews later, I had gained quite the following. To say this was unexpected would be a complete understatement. 

Now, keep in mind, I wrote that article with only a couple months clean and only 2 weeks after Dominic had passed. At the time, I really thought I was on top of my shit. I ignorantly believed I had a one up on my addiction. I had just gotten out of rehab for the third time and moved to Chicago. I was staying in a sober living house, going to at least two NA meetings a day and was working the steps with a sponsor. My boyfriends death hadn’t even registered with me at this point. I was just fine, right?

For maybe a month after the article was posted, I did good. I was on a high from all the attention and was still chillin on that cute little pink cloud you float on for the first couple months of sobriety. Life was beautiful… until it wasn’t, until the cravings hit, until I realized my baby was gone and never coming back, until I found myself cooking up dope in a White Castle bathroom on the west side. By the middle of March, I was back in full blown addiction. I was still living at the sober house, bullshitting my way through any drug tests or speculations from the other girls. I was still going to meetings to keep up appearances but getting high in the bathrooms just to make it through the hour. The girls in my house slowly watched me get worse and worse until I finally got caught and kicked out at the beginning of May.

I had been meaning to start a blog since my article went viral but the past 10 months have been filled with more chaos, drugs and darkness than I ever could have imagined. So here I am, once again, giving this sobriety thing a chance. Once again trying to stand on my own two feet, learning to take baby steps instead of leaps. Once again trying to use my darkness as someone else’s light.

I can’t promise this blog will be filled with laughter and sunshine because so rarely are those seen in the depths of addiction. I can’t promise the stories I tell will be easy to read. What I can promise, however, is hope and understanding because through 20 years of life, 6 years of using, 4 rehab centers and one gnarly overdose, I’m still fighting.

So whether you’re here trying to understand addiction or fighting like hell to beat one, you’re not alone. You’re worth fighting for, you’re worth being believed in and understood. Never give up. Never silence yourself. Your story is important.

Welcome to the heroin diaries.

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29 thoughts on “Here goes nothing.

  1. Once again I am so proud of you for being so open and honest and sharing your story. To say I’m ecstatic you are here to fight another day is an understatement. I love you more than you can ever know and I’m here for you 1000% through the ups and downs. I truly believe you can beat this demon of addiction. I love you sissy!!! ❤️ Keep fighting! 😘💕

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  2. I fucking love you Kali. With every lil bit of my heart. Youve got this. Youve MORE than got this, you beautiful soul. #2k17 #onlyupfromhere #themovement <— let's start this shit

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  3. Keep u the good fight girly…im fightin also ur story has help me keep fightin whem all I wanna do is give but that not am option for me right now..thank u

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  4. Always have been and always will be your #1 fan. In all the chaos and craziness of life the voice of truth must ring the loudest. Keep telling it like it is. Keep up the fight. The world needs to hear your words. Love you, Dad.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Reading your story made me super damn emotional, granted I’m in full blown withdrawals, and can so easily relate. 7 years of this sick, foul, and relentless addiction, 4 rehabs, and 2 ODs later, I’m just done with this way of living. It’s just nice to be around others who understand. It’s dark and lonely. The lies could drown you.

    Take care and don’t let us lose another one!

    Kevin

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    1. Kevin, all you seriously have to do is ask yourself “are you really, truly, sick of this? Sick of this way of life?” I’m just now 7 months clean.

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  6. One day at a time..I have a daughter who did heroin for years, by the grace of God she has been clean for 10 years..Also have a niece that’s been clean for a few months and waking about every day saying “today I will not do heroin”! You should be proud of yourself, prayers work and keeping faith, most importantly BELIEVE..God Bless You!!

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  7. Thank you so much for this. I was hoping I would stumble across a blog describing what addiction is truly like.. My best friend wasn’t as lucky as you and passed away a few months ago. She described her addiction to me before, and I only wish everyone could realize what it’s really like. Again, thank you and know that what you’re doing is important. I’m rooting for yah.

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  8. I am a recovering addict for ten years clean at the end of the month, alcohol, crack, meth and any pill l could get my hands on. Lost my parents to cancer and my boyfriend to suicide. When my dad passed is when my addiction took the drivers seat, l used but after his death l lost my kids, job, home along with my self respect. I lived in hell for a long time, my boyfriend drove his truck into a semi on a highway, his guilt for shooting me up l guess. I am in recovery but everyday l remind myself of where l used to be, l think that l have to remember otherwise l will slip. It’s a disease, a terminal illness is how l see it, if l used now l do not think l would be able to to start over again. I have a wonderful husband who knew me and loved me in the bad days, two adult children and theee beautiful grand children. I will keep reading your blog😊

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  9. Thank you for doing this. My 18 year old sister in-law just recently overdosed on heroin. The paramedics were able to revive her thank God. We knew her boyfriend was using but she swore she wasn’t. My husband and I were highly doubtful of that but the rest of the family believed her. And they think that there is no way she would use again now. As the daughter of an alcoholic I know that no matter how low you get, you will want to use again. She has not hit her rock bottom and until she does she will not be able to start rising again. I’m hoping reading your blog will help them realize that. Thank you.

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  10. I am not an addict, but I was engaged to one for 12 yrs, we had 2 beautiful sons, planning to finally get married in Sept 2014, he would of been 1 yr clean, this man was my life, I stood beside him thru the good n bad, May 1st 2014, he didn’t call me to say good morning I love you, I got our boys off to school, called his mom to see if he went to work, he never made it, his brother called to tell me he was gone, my world came crashing down around me, what was I gonna tell our sons?! I have watched this drug take so many people we love, n I just wanna tell you, you are a very strong woman n good luck, n I will be saying a prayer for you daily.

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  11. Hi, I really enjoyed your article and I can relate on so many of the same things that I did during my addition. I lost my husband to dope as well. We were both getting high after midnight on February 4, 2015, when we both felt out and I woke up and he was dead. He was my high school sweetheart, we were married over 7 years and together even longer with 3 kids. We did much shit just to get high. I always covered for him stealing, I messed around for dope, you name it we did it or tried to. He, also had a smile that could light up any room. After his death, I left Detroit and went back to Chicago where I’m from with our kids and I still have gotten high here and there. I’m trying so hard to stay away from it, but you know how it is, the dope seems to follow you through other people when you try to stop and I’m not strong enough to deny it. Anyway, I just wanted to say y I ur blog is very inspiring and relates so much to what I’ve gone through for the last 12 years with this damn drug. Best of luck to you ♡

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  12. This was so heartbreaking to read. I am going into my 14th year of sobriety and I just want You to know that you are so brave and amazing!!!!!! Keep fighting and never give up. I lost my cousin to a heroin overdose and it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go thru. But reading your blog made me feel like there is still hope for those who continue to battle this awful addiction. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  13. Very informative and brave….i live in a small community and know of people who are addicts and have judged them and feel guilty because of it AFTER reading your story. ..my heart is broken for these addicts and their families. I recently went to services of a beautiful 25 year old who was a mother of a 4 year old and registered nurse. ..i went to school with both her parents and had her little sister as a student in my class….i have a high school friend whose eldest son, who is brilliant and had a full ride to a private college…just to lose it all due to this awful drug addiction, who has relapsed in the past, but currently is clean and sober. .. i guess my only question is, with all the deaths and awful heartbreaking stories, WHY would anyone even attempt to “try” it for the first time???? Is it, that they have that “won’t happen to me” thinking??? I mean, I understand that once you try it and are hooked and have to have it, but u don’t understand with all the recent heroin information and stories that people would still “try” it for the first time…i am not trying to be sarcastic or judgemental when I ask this…..i really want someone who has been there to explain why they “tried it for the first time” knowing about it….. is it curiosity? I mean almost 30 years ago, what was out there was nothing as dangerous as now…is it a rite of passage kind of thing? I don’t even know if it can be explained, but I wonder how this drug will ever go away???? What will it take?? It has taken way too many people as it is not my intention to be a pessimist, because I believe, hope and pray that people will get out of their darkness with this disease, but what else can our communities do to lessen the population of not even “trying it for a first time”? We inform and inform and inform….is this the only way? I guess so..?

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