My shitty 2016

Today I have 100 days clean from heroin. In a week, I will have the longest period of sobriety I’ve ever managed to put together. Now, most of you are here because of a blog post I made a year ago and if you have been following me since then, you know that my life since that article has been anything but stable. But in case you haven’t, here’s a recap… 

JANUARY Moved from West Palm Beach to a sober living house in Chicago on January 8th. Dominic died the 27th.

FEBRUARY My post went viral February 20th. 

MARCH – EARLY JUNE I relapsed on March 20th, went on a couple month run, got real dirty per usual. 

I didn’t get caught til the week of May 6th when I ended up getting kicked out of my sober living and spent a week in a motel. Oddly enough I fell in love with my girlfriend that week but that’s a whole other story. 

On the 6th, I was shipped off to rehab #4 in Astoria, Oregon. I spent the month dealing with Dominic’s death, swimming in waterfalls, doing way too much soul searching, hiking on the Washington coast and honestly, before you roll your eyes because my rehab sounds like a vacation, it wasn’t. That month changed my life. 

For my discharge plans I set up a new sober living house back in Chicago and flew back the day I got out. As life changing as the month in Oregon was, I wasn’t done getting high and I knew that the whole time I was there but I hate when people say my month there was a waste because I relapsed the day after I got out. That was my intention the whole month I was there and I never denied that. But I still sat there, I still did all the work and listened to what they had to say. I dealt with Dominic’s death more than I ever had before and I dealt with a lot of my control issues. But the coolest thing I acquired there was understanding of my spirituality. 

Let me just say real quick, I grew up in an extremely nonreligious household which I’ve always been fine with. So when I was first thrown into rehab in 2015 and they hit me with the whole AA and God thing, I was immediately turned off. But for a solid 10 months my recovery was based off the AA / NA principles so I tried, I really did. It just never stuck with me and because of that, I never once felt a sense of spirituality in those rooms. 

I found my spirituality in crystals and meditation, I found it in a sunset on the beach in Oregon. My counselors at Astoria were the first people who told me it was okay for my recovery to look different. They were the first place that ever offered a new perspective to recovery. They took us to refuge recovery meetings, they made us take time for mediation and yoga everyday, they took us to the beach and wouldn’t allow us to talk to each other, we just had to sit there and take it all in. They took us hiking and to waterfalls and the zoo just to show us how beautiful life can be sober. 

So yes, I relapsed the day after I got back. I mean fuck, I called my dealer from rehab and told him when I’d be back and to make sure he was good. But inevitably, that month changed my world. 

Anyway, I’m rambling. I got out of rehab June 5th and was back in Chicago that same morning. I had a bed at a sober living set up but no intentions of staying. I slept there one night and never came back. 

Again, I spent a week living in a motel (the same motel actually, me and the staff became real good friends). I of course didn’t tell my parents I was on the streets and it somehow took the manager of the sober living that whole week to finally call them and tell them I was gone. So for the time being, I was freely roaming the streets of Chicago. I don’t remember much but my girlfriend tells me it was a horrible week. 

When I finally got the call from my parents saying that they knew, they came to get me the next morning. 

MID JUNE – AUGUST I spent the next three months living under my parents roof in St. Louis. They let me come home under the conditions that the first month I was there would be treated like rehab and that I got on vivitrol again. I happily obliged. I did good the first month and most of the second but once I had gotten my freedom back and earned enough trust, my dumbass went on a month and a half long meth binge. Keep in mind, I hadn’t done meth in two years since I went absolutely insane in college because of my prior addiction to it. But, because I had been doing so good all summer, or at least they thought, we booked a trip at the end of August to see my brother in Colorado. By that time, however, I was struggling to hide my track marks and sleep deprivation. My mom told me numerous times that she knew I was doing meth but me being the schemer I am, I was passing my drug tests and she couldn’t prove I was doing it. Until she could. 

The night before we were going on our trip, I went out to get a bunch of tweak for the drive to CO. When I was driving home a cop was behind me. I was high as fuck and obviously paranoid so I took the meth out of my normal spot and into my bra for easier access in case he pulled me over. Of course when I get home I forget about it and take my bra off as I’m getting into the shower. 10 minutes later my mom walks up to me with my baggie in her hands. I’ll never forget how mad I was that I got caught that way. I knew I would get caught soon, we were all just waiting for it, but in such a careless way? Ugh, still makes me mad. We still went to Colorado the next day and had an amazing time. 

Looking back on it, we never really dealt with it because as soon as we got back from our trip, I told them I was moving back to Chicago. I had been having a long distance relationship with my girlfriend all summer but she had finally gotten an apartment for us and I knew if I stayed home I was going back on house arrest anyway so off I went. Oh, but not before doing some stl heroin first.

The day before I left for Chicago, I went out and bought a half g just for a lil taste. I hadn’t done it in almost three months so of course that sparked my addiction all over again. 

SEPTEMBER – OCTOBER I stayed clean back in Chicago for maybe 3 days. I spent the next month laying around my apartment getting high while my girlfriend worked her ass off and took care of me. We got kittens so I took care of them, cleaned and slept. Called myself a housewife. 

At the beginning of October, my best friends were moving from St Louis to Colorado Springs and asked me to take the train down and help them move. I kept telling myself I would stop doing dope at least a week before I left so I wouldn’t be withdrawling around them, they had put up enough with my addiction. 

Hopelessly, the day came to leave and I wasn’t clean. I did my last shot on the train down there and prepared myself for the next 72 hours. I think I only survived it because of the abundance of weed but being with my best friends in the mountains always helps. Regardless, that was one of the best trips I’ve had in a long time. 

Before going back to Chicago, I went back to St. Louis for a couple days to see my family. I had lied and told them I was on vivitrol still and that I had been off dope this whole time. 

I had been clean for the 10 days I was in CO but Saint Louis is never good for me. 

On October 18th, I overdosed in my sisters bathroom. Paramedics swarmed her house as her four kids, my babies, watched them have to narcan me back to life. They rushed me to the hospital and I was released hours later. The details of my overdose are not something I can get into, this shit has already turned into a book. 

I went back to Chicago two days later. 

NOVEMBER My sobriety date is currently November 18th, 2016 so that gives you an idea of what I spent the next month doing. No, sadly losing my boyfriend to heroin wasn’t enough to stop me nor was nearly losing my own life. 

November 17th was a shitty day. My girlfriend had lost her job couple weeks before so we had no money for rent. We were fighting like crazy and I was continuously getting high. I remember I came home that day and she got excited cause I wasn’t high. She could always tell immediately by my eyes. I smiled and said, no but I’m about to be. I went and did a two bag shot and I guess we fought all night. I don’t remember any of it but that was the last time I ever got high. 

I’m not sure what came over me when I woke up the 18th but I ignored my dealers calls and I fought through my withdrawal. 

DECEMBER Three weeks later I got the vivitrol shot and went home for Christmas with over a month sober. Let me tell you, Christmas was amazing. It was the first one in probably six years that I wasn’t high or in rehab. 

2017 I started off the new year landing a full time at a daycare. I started working 8-10 hour days, Monday thru Friday. I found my place in the toddler room and have fallen in love with 12 lil shitheads. I paid off all our bills and have been able to keep up with rent. I’ve gotten vivitrol shots every month since December. I’ve gotten off of all the medications I was prescribed in rehab and am happier than ever. I smoke weed as a personal choice, I understand that many people discredit my sobriety completely because of that but that’s your problem, not mine. I’ve seen first hand how weed does not work for everyone and can quickly lead people back to their drug of choice. But I’ve been able to tame my anxiety and get off of seroquel. I now sleep semi normally for the first time like ever. 

My life is falling in place but dear god, it did not come easily nor quickly. It took a lot of pain to find happiness and a lot of chaos to find peace. I’m living proof that sobriety, whatever that looks like to you, is possible no matter what you’ve been through or how deep your grave is. 

If you read that whole thing, I applaud you. 

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “My shitty 2016

  1. Thank you for sharing your story ! I lost my 25 yr old son to a heroin overdose on Oct. 20th 2016. He was an amazing person., my best friend! Loved by everyone! 236 people attended his funeral. My life will never be the same without him! But, it does my heart good to see people get clean! Keep up the good work! God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear of the lose of your son, I lost my brother November 27-2016 to a Heroin overdose. Me and my father started a support group for families that have lost loved ones to drugs and or alcohol. We meet every Thursday evening at 6:30 pm @ Alton Memorial Hospital in the cafeteria in meeting room B. The hurt is so great by many and this group has help some many people share there feelings and thoughts, I hope you and your family and friends could join us one evening!

      Like

  2. Girl it wasn’t as long as i thought it would be. Youre doing well your mind is right. Cant wait to hear about your dreams and aspirations still! All my love

    Like

  3. I had a friend in middle school, her name was Leslie. She was the ‘bad’ one and I was the nerdy one, but we were best friends. Around high school, her dad shipped her to her mother and we parted ways – this was 30 years ago, so it was hard to keep in touch. She came back into my life partially with Facebook, but we never got close again. Nevertheless, I always remembered her for her real friendship and the good times we had. She OD’ed in October 2016 and didn’t make it. I think she was trying to get clean and it just wasn’t for her. I was very sad to hear of her passing, and I cried for her and for our memories, even if I hadn’t seen her in 25+ years. Keep up your good work, not only for you, but for everyone who loves you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you very much for your honesty.
    To thing own self be true! The older I get the more realizations come. The spiritual experiences are nessary and it is up to myself whether I recognize and pause at these important moments and give thanks for a new attitude that is bestowed upon me from something greater than myself.
    It’s been 15 yrs of severe addiction and i can’t take any credit for my survival. I should be dead. I thank you and those around me who continue to fight the good fight. I have shed more tears this past week than ever. This is part of the healing process. Keep it up girl and walk with purpose.
    Sincerely,
    Another abstinent junkie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing your path. I just found your blog tonight. You have a new follower. I’m an addict myself, but it’s alcohol. Your story just shows me, after all the shit that has happened, that there is always a way back up.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow read all your blogs tonight and I just want to say congrats on your journey and I just want to say I’m proud of you even though you don’t know me that was one tough journey you had to go through and you’ve conquered it!! God bless & smoke weeeeeeed everyday! Haha

    Liked by 1 person

  7. We know sobriety & recovery is not easy. We know its a lifelong process, just like personal growth or raising kids is a lifelong process. But you are doing it. Every day is a new day, a new chance to stay clean for just 1 more day. Those days lumped together are weeks, and months, & eventually years! But they all begin with that 1 moment, when you don’t answer that call or pick up that phone!
    Still praying for you!!! Everyday! After totaling the car that his dearly devoted girlfriend helped him buy, My son is also on another post-rehab clean slate (45 days 🙏👏💗☺). I am learning so much going through this process and I thank you for keeping it real! It helps me understand the what/why/how questions I have that my son just can’t seem to answer for me.
    Stay strong my dear! You have so much left to do!
    That mom again,
    Xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My clean date is Nov 19, 2016. My last heroin use was the 18th. I’m coming off 15yrs of opiates to then heroin. I have relapsed too many times to remember. My story sounds so much like yours although I’m so much older and am in Salt Lake City and grew up Mormon. I’m married and my husband introduced me to drugs and ultimately heroin. I too have a love affair with heroin. Although I have never used a needle, because I knew I would love my heroin more, I have only smoked it. But it doesn’t matter how it gets into your body and your heart and soul, the beast takes over and consumes you! I have a 5yr old son and he is my entire world. My husband is still a closet junkie and has taken our son and I have not seen him since November, hence my last relapse. But I got clean for me and my son, as well as to keep the relationship with my AMAZING new boyfriend. He has just over 3yrs clean and sober and is who helped me. Not for me, for my son. He and I were never supposed to fall in love, he was just my friends brother and he would see me come over and do my heroin with his brother and he would play with my son so that we could get high and nod out… I am so grateful to be alive. During my love affair with opiates and heroin I was fortunate enough to never land in jail. It took getting clean and getting my shit together and picking up the pieces and trying to get my son back and my divorce filed and I land in jail over domestic violence and what have you.. long unnecessary story. My point is that it’s NEVER too late to get clean and put your life back together. No matter where you are or come from. We are ALL susceptible to it. NO one is safe or invincible. Heroin or meth or pills can and will ruin any life they can. And until YOU want to be done with it all, you won’t be. I have never been to rehab, NA or any other program. Everyone is different in their recovery. I’m an addict and always will be. But I’m a recovering addict. 100 days. Here’s to hundreds more and to the hope that we do not use again. F*CK HEROIN!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hey, I don’t really see you responding to the comments on here so I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’m 26, living in Toronto. Been doing opiates since I was 18. Your story is a lot like mine, besides some minor differences. (I’m a dude) I just wanted too know if you have ever considered Suboxone? And if so, why or why haven’t you tried it?

    Like

    1. I never used it. I was prescribed to it at one point but just sold it. Personally, suboxone should be a month thing tops. Once someone is on subs for a long period of time it forms a whole new addiction. My best friend is coming off of subs, she has almost 10 months but has been dopesick for weeks trying to come off of subs. It isn’t helping the brain recover, it’s just distracting it enough to get your thru the hard part. It’s never meant to be a long term thing but doctors make good ass money off of it so they keep ppl on it for as long as possible. Hope that helps at all. I’m on vivitrol. It’s great.

      Like

  10. You are absolutely amazing! I’m days away from 7 months clean. I’ve been in different programs and I was on subs for a few months then switched to methadone. Things are going really good for me except my boyfriend still refuses to let me have time alone with my 7 month old son, which I understand will come in time. You’re so strong and you’ve come so far, just keep doing what you’re doing. You’ve found a job you love and are with someone you love. Please, please stay clean❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Your doing great sweetie, one day at a time as they say but really that is just what it is! Me and my father started a support group, Just Keep Walkin’ you can find us on fb. We are here to help if you need anything, also have a radio show on Riot Rocks radio on Tuesday evening at 5 pm that you can catch off the fb page. Talk about all different kinds of things! Keep up the great work and thank you so much for your truth and storey, this will help so.eone else! 😇

    Like

  12. So many heroin deaths here in Akron so sad in fact one person recently blew my mind no one ever even knew he did it I knew pills but not that I never understood it! Reading ur story helped me see the other side of things I think I never tried it bc my father loved the needle more then he did me and bc of that I had issues growing up but now he’s older still on methadone feels awful he truly lives in his own prison my brother was an addict got fully clean on his own then got off the methadon clinic with absolutely no rehab just cold turkey and a few months later he was shot horrible he had seen a few years of sobriety and gone like that leaving 3 babies to my mother and i’s care…I never judged anyone on it just didn’t get it but I read ur whole story what amazed me the most was not that U kept failing sobriety but that u failed and got ur self back up over and over again that is what makes u stronger each day one day at a time so glad to read ur story I genuinely hope to hear u out a few was one to rise up and help others for the rest of ur life God must have known that u were strong enough to put u through this to share ur story and help the ones that are not !

    Liked by 1 person

  13. my sobriety from dope is november 18th, 2016 as well! 6 rehabs, 2 psych wards, 3 jail stays later (not counting overnighters). its been rough but i cant keep ruining everyones life around me anymore, so i hope this last time stays me last. I also smoke weed, but nothing else. Because i feel without weed i would go back to using.
    Anyways i kept on reading your story because i literally relate to everything and want to thank you. this brought me back and got me all up in the feels. Keep it up! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This brought tears to
    my eyes, the fact that you are continuing to stick with it is an accomplishment within it’s self. Keep it up, you have gained so much in such a short time. The PNW welcomes you anytime and I can’t wait to see how far you have come in your 2017 recap 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I read the whole thing. I doubt you remember me but we were roommates briefly during 2015 at a half way house.
    I wanted to let you know that I can relate so much with this. And Im happy for your recovery.
    Glad you’re okay kid.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m interested to know how you’re doing now. I could use some encouragement that this thing can be overcome dealing with my husband’s addiction. He’s in a rehab now for another month (he’s been gone a month) with plans of discharging to a sober living facility afterwards. I keep reading conflicting information about how long it’s going to take to really get him to a place where we can both breathe. I understand everyone is different but I’ve been told he needs at least 6 months before returning home. I’ve also heard 12 months and 2 years! I want what’s best for him of course, but I also don’t want to raise our two boys alone. They miss him and so do I.

    Like

  17. I know you are probably busy. Maybe even dont get a chance to read alot of these comments. But i heard you on the radio a year ago. I have never felt and intellectual connection with someone who has been in addiction as like me. I dont have friends to speak too. I dont have family. I dont have a support system. If theres anyone….anyone at all that reads this that is willing to connect with me to talk. Please email me at amber.bowering@gmail.com. please use a subject that i will notice being related to this post.Ive been feeling like im fading away these past 2 months and im running low on hope. Thank you.

    Like

  18. This wasn’t too long, it wasn’t long enough! I love your blog and how real you are. You are an inspiration. Please write as much as you’d like, I’ll read it all!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s