See the thing is, I have 197 days clean off heroin today. And i’m sitting here just smiling at that sentence because it is honestly more mentally satisfying to be able to say that than any shot of dope ever was. Sobriety hasn’t always been good nor will it always stay good because in all reality, sobriety is just life and life is crazy. But i am doing so good right now. If I were put in a situation where I was faced with dope, im pretty fucking positive I would be able to walk away but again, I know this mental state wont not last forever. I’ve had my ups and downs in the past 197 days. I’ve had months of wonderful sobriety and months of absolute insanity going on in my head. Im not ignorant. I don’t think I’m cured. I’m merely at the beginning of my growth. But seriously, after 4 inpatients, 8+ outpatients, 5 sober living and probably 7 relapses, I’ve never felt this free in sobriety. I always felt trapped and small and scared.
Being in the rooms, living in sober living and going to outpatient all at the same time never allowed me to forget my addiction which i do understand was the point. However, it made me feel defined by it. Some people need that. Some people can’t forget it. And maybe at the time I needed that. But now? I cannot live my life around my addiction. I just can’t. My addiction doesn’t not define me nor will it make me tiptoe around life. I am going to take that vacation, I am going to work 40 hour weeks and go to school. I am going to smoke weed. Do I recommend it for every recovering addict? Absolutely fucking not. But do I recommend AA for every recovering addict? Probably not. I will never understand why people try to generalize recovery like it’s a one size fits all shirt. It took a while but dude, I figured it out. I figured out a lifestyle that works for me right here right now. Will it work for me in a year? Who knows. But right now, life is okay. Life is stable. I am good.
Seriously though, almost 200 days without a needle in my arm. That alone makes every dopesick night I had to go thru to get here worth it. It makes every nasty man, every abusive piece of shit, every homeless night and every unfixable mistake hurt a lot less. What makes it even better is the life I’ve built in the past 197 days.
I think the point of sobriety is to build a life that doesnt allow you to use. A life that keeps you comfortably busy. A life where if you use even once, you almost set yourself up to lose everything so it just isn’t even a question. See, the biggest difference my sobriety now and then is that I have things to lose now. That’s important.
I have an apartment. I have way too many bills attached to my bank account. I have a job that I would be beyond crushed to lose. I have two cats who need their momma. I have a girlfriend who definately isn’t going to stick around to watch me kill myself all over again. And guys, after 2 years I’m finally enrolled back into college for this fall. It’s not a hard decision for me to stay sober anymore. I’ll never deny how good heroin feels but I’ve gotten to the point where life feels a lot better than death and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Anyway, there is no main point to this blog post. I just haven’t written anything in forever. Right now i’m on vacation in Colorado. I just watched my best friend get married and I got to celebrate her 21st with her all in the same week. I got to blow $400 in 5 days with my very best friends because I worked my fucking ass off for the past 6 months and I deserved it. And on Monday I get to go home to a girl that I fucking adore, a job that I love, a boss who texted me earlier that she missed me and is excited for me to come back and an apartment that, despite my spending binge, is all paid for for the month.
To any addict doubting sobriety, it is so much better than whatever shit you got cooked up in that spoon. Whatever lowest point you think you’re at, you’re still alive and someone in recovery has made it out of the same situation. You are not the expection. Whatever you want sobriety to look like to you, you can get there. I promise.
(The featured picture is a picture I took right after my best friends wedding on Friday. We thank Dom for the rainbow. 💖💖)